Dear Drew, just a little curious, what is the appropriate ratio of Wheat Thins to Cheez Whiz for regulation hors d'oeuvres?

Frantic for Fromage in Farmcity, I don't think there is any question that the proper ratio of Cheez Whiz to Wheat Thins is somewhere around 47,000,000:1. Wheat Thins suck donkey balls but nothing can beat that oily, artificial, pasteurized process cheese food we call Cheez Whiz. Sometimes, when I'm all alone on a Friday night, I like to slather my naked body in Cheez Whiz and let a pack of neighborhood dogs lick it all off while I roll around in the grass. I know what you're thinking...that's hot. You are correct.

Dear Drew, My husband is the biggest alcoholic I know. He is always complaining that doing keg stands at a party causes him to feel like a butthole the next day. Why does his head hurt the next day? Is it because that keg beer is the devil? Or is he just a butthole by nature?

Ballerina of the Balcony, This is a question I have plenty of personal experience with. Hangovers just happen to be one of my specialties. So after some research I have discovered that, in reality, keg beer should cause less of a hangover than canned or bottled beer. I know, I am as shocked as you are. The fact is that, because most kegs are kept cold once tapped and they tend not to let air come in contact with the beer, they are more likely to stay fresh longer. The more times beer is allowed to get warm the more likely it is incur the oxidation of ethanol in to acetaldehyde, which will in turn cause your body to experience what we know as a hangover. Now, with all of the science aside, the fact of the matter is that your husband is in fact just a butthole by nature. A portly, sexy, meat-smoking butthole. So feel free to do as many keg stands as you want. Chances are you are going to have a hangover no matter where the 300 ounces of beer you consume come from. Yay!

Dear Drew, Why can't I play "My Lil' Bastard" on adultswim.com?

Pie Guy in Fat Town, We tried to partner up with Williams Street to alter their online game "My Lil' Bastard" since we had actually released our video to the public long before their game was created. But since they are wealthier and much more powerful than us, they declined our request and instead came to our studios and spread meerkat dung all over our stuff. But fear not, we are working to get back in their good graces as we speak in hopes of developing our own television series. Keep checking back here for updates! And screw "My Lil' Bastard," just wait until you see "My Lil' Slutwad."

Hello, I like Louis Vuitton or anything fashion for that matter! I was browsing the web for some new Louis Vuitton luxury items and I found this website. This is a cool site and I wanted to post a comment to let you know, great job! Thanks!

Louis Vuitton in Fashionville, Thank you so much for the compliment! We appreciate your coming around the site and enjoying what you've seen. Check back often for more videos and answers. Keep it rockin' fancy clothes man!

Dear Drew, Where did the word F*ck originate from? Also, how many words can be combined with the word f*ck to make a meaningful term? For example, "that cartoon picture of you makes you look like a constipated f*ckface."

Normal in Port Orchard, This is quite the question and I appreciate your asking it. I did some researching and found out that the word "f*ck" actually originates from what I did to your mom last night. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it literally originated last night, but it did originate when the first person (probably for revenge) actually seduced and then f*cked their enemies mom. Nowadays people don't always use this tactic for revenge, sometimes it's used just for fun. And other times, as is the case in our situation, it's just because the mom is so hot that the "f*cker" just can not help themselves. It's really a compliment to your bloodline. Now, as far as the number of words that can be combined with the word f*ck to make a meaningful term...that answer is too many to count. For example, "This cartoon picture just fist-f*cked your sister" or "Let's all get naked and donkey-f*ck all night long." So feel free to utilize this word in any fashion you deem necessary...your mom certainly used it a lot last night.

Dear Drew, Hello, you are gay.

Andrew in Analville, Thank you for your wonderful question; er....statement. This is probably the single greatest question we have ever gotten.

Dear Drew, Does Leatherface have a girlfriend in the films? I hope not :D:D.cuz I love him.

Svenja Nettetal in Germany, Actually, you're in luck! Leatherface is currently single and looking for a lovely lady to make his own! You may have to contend with Jason though as those two seem to have some kind of "special" relationship. But I suggest you find Leatherface and ask him out on a date. He might even let you take off his mask...that would be hot. Keep an eye out for a new Jason and Leatherface video coming soon...

Dear Drew, Who is that tall, gangly, googly muthaf*cker in all your videos? I've read his bio and everything, but I'm just not buying the fact that he used to be a professional basketball player. He's obviously way too tall to do that sort of thing. There's got to be more to the story than what you are telling us. I mean, what is he really? Is he a tree? Or a radio tower? Or an obelisk? Why is he so freakin' tall?!? I have to know or my brain will explode!

Seven Goobers in Rawbeeftestington, Well, your observations are quite accurate as that gangly fellow you see in our videos is in fact a tree, a radio tower and an obelisk. Though it is true he was once a professional basketball player, his career was pretty short lived when it was leaked that he only liked boxing out for rebounds so he could feel other guys' coin purses on his ass. But he serves a greater good with us now. Not only does he change all of the light bulbs in our gymnasium, but he also serves as a great ladder when we get our Frisbee stuck on the roof of our house...or the Washington Monument. He is available for rent if you need, just contact the Tall Things Rental department at AskDrewNow.com and we can get you set up with the googly muthaf*cker right away!

Dear Drew, is it just me, or is 2012 the worst movie ever?

Squirrly Haired Russian Kid Twin in Floodsville, No, it's not just you. 2012 is in fact one of the worst movies of all time. Between this and any movie starring Vince Vaughn, movie goers find themselves attempting to gouge out their eyes with their corn dog sticks just to avoid watching such ridiculous garbage. 2012, you suck ball water. (The movie and the year.)

Dear Drew,
Every time my friends come over and play my dad comes down in my basement and yells at me to mow the lawn. Can you talk my dad into letting me mow after the dump closes and when me and my friends are done playing?

Ferrett Grease in Gadgetland. I know Drew usually answers these questions, but I've actually had this exact problem.... in fact, it's interesting how similar your story is to mine. Ferrett seems to ryme with my name... wait a second. Who are you? Are you CIA?? MOTHER F*CK THEY FOUND ME.

On a side note, I'll be going a way for a while.

Garrett--Out.

Dear Drew,
Do you ever get the urge to save your feces in jars on shelves in your basement?

Normal in Port Orchard, Yes...absolutely. I find that keeping fresh feces on hand can really come in handy in many day to day situations. Let's say you are having an exciting dinner party...and three extra guests show up that you didn't plan for. Oh no, what on earth will you do? Well, if you have feces in a jar, you can feed the whole bunch without even trying! So don't feel strange if you have these urges, they are completely normal, and tasty! Poop away my friend, poop away!

Dear Drew, When is the new video with me in it going to be ready?

Sydney G. in Winnerville, As AskDrewNow.com's greatest contest winner of all time, we are working diligently to get your video ready to go so the entire world can see how we take care of our fans! That being said, Garrett is very lazy (as you may already know) so it could be up to 30 or 40 years before it is actually ready to go. But hey, maybe your grandchildren will enjoy it some day!

Dear Drew, Who the F R U?

Wannakickurass in Roidland, Well...I'm Drew. So the real question is, who the f*ck are you? Send us your info and we can get you a free AskDrewNow.com prize pack sent out right away, even if you do want to kick my ass. In fact, that makes it all that more exciting, doesn't it? I know I'm titillated.

Dear Drew, Will I meet a nice girl?

Poppy in Poopy, Sadly, no, you will not meet a nice girl. But don't let that discourage you! Just lower your standards and you will meet all sorts of nasty, dirty, sticky girls that will make you forget about any "nice" girl you have ever even though about. Buckle up Poppy and ride the nasty train; it's much easier than trying to find that elusive nice girl.

Do you like to be tickled? If so, where?

Elmo in Encino, Actually, I hate being tickled. The thought of someone putting their fingers all over me is exciting, but in practice it is actually quite torturous. But if I had to choose one place I have been tickled that I would consider "the worst" tickle ever, it would be that lovely patch of hair we call a chode. For some reason that is the most sensitive area I have, and when people like Kevin or Garrett try to tickle me there, I find myself screaming like a wood pecker and crapping like a nard fart. So if you see me on the street make sure you don't EVER try to tickle me...unless you really want to, in which case go ahead, it's fine with me!

Dear Drew, Hey it's Keali :D I'm bored and at school with Tayte and John and my question is, "How is your back doing?" ILY!!! PEACE!

KEALIIIIIII JO in CAPITAL TOWN, I'm glad to see you are spending some time at school doing something that is actually productive...checking AskDrewNow.com! Let's be honest, everything you need to know about life can be learned right here. And to catch some of our other fans up to speed, I was recently assaulted with a military-grade water balloon launcher and nearly snapped my spine in half. But fear not! I am one of the most extreme people on the planet so it didn't take long for me to recover. In fact, I will be back faster and stronger than ever, though I will probably just use those skills to sit around and watch tv.

Dear Drew, I have a Samsung hc-p4752w and it shut itself off one night and it wont turn back on. When I plug it in the red light comes on and it flashes like 4 to 5 times and then stays red. Please help me.

Jason Oliver in O-Town, The first thing you need to do is take your Samsung television, soak it in lighter fluid, punch it in its testicles, and then call our good friend the TV Repairman. If you haven't already seen his work, check out our TV Repairman video here on the site. In fact, he is the only person who has ever successfully repaired a Samsung hc-p4752w...which you can see for yourself in our action packed informational video. So leave the repair work to the professionals and give him a call right away. And if you want your very own official TV Repairman prize pack, just send us your address and we will get one sent out right away. Have fun cabana boy!

Dear Drew, Word on the streets is that someone at AskDrewNow.com is a new dad...that means he must have gotten laid at least once. I like that a lot. Do you think he can cum over and join me and my girlfriend? Also, if you don't mind, could my mom and aunt join?

Humped out in Humpville, The tabloids have been following us all over recently, and pictures did surface of one of us "allegedly" having a baby...but none of those reports have been confirmed. But if its help humping you need, I can send out a couple of my best men right away. Just don't be surprised if you come down with some strange rash or some severe burning in your crotch and ankle areas. Just tape an aspirin to it and keep a tube of Preparation H with you at all times. Enjoy!

Dear Drew, My daddy has been a Candy Corn Farmer since 1902. Presidente Obama recently passed "Health Care Reform," but my dad wants to help control the immigration population. If he had his employees' spaded or neutered would it be covered under the new policy?

Schizzle from Fairmont, I think the best path for you daddy to take would be for him to go ahead and keep the spading and neutering within his own family. In fact, the sooner he does this the better. The fact that he is a candy corn farmer would be reason enough, but this question brings to light so many more reasons why surgical sterilization should be required in your family. So don't worry about our new health care system or the immigration population...just get yourself and any of your family down to the free clinic right away to get as many tubes tied and testes clipped so the entire world can breathe a little easier.

Dear Drew, What is a safe amount of toe nails to consume in one day?

Ingrown in Cuticletown, Eating toe nails is completely natural...and nutritious. In my opinion, toe nails are an important part of a balanced diet. They are crunchy, tasty, and sometimes they smell like rotting garbage; especially when you get a nice infected hang nail. You can't really beat that. So eat away, and if you want some of my toe nails to try, just let me know. I can get them shipped out right away.